Shout Outs:
Additional Shout Outs: Agi, who said he’s 100% coming to Hong Kong. We can relive such stories like: “the washer and dryer”, “you’re a vegetarian?!”, and “the phone call.” Hopefully we can add to our funny collection of stories.
Elevators: I’m just going to get this out of the way now. I know this is the third consecutive post where I’ve discussed elevators, escalators, people movers, etc, but I need to mention one more thing. I was in the elevator in my fancy office building when a coworker pressed the wrong floor #. Then he kept pressing it and it magically disappeared! I was like wtf?! (“Translate Espanol, No Way Jose” ~ Kanye) He said there was a floor cancellation trick. I’ve never seen anything like this before and I didn’t know such elevators existed. Genius, really; it was awesome. The only thing not awesome about it is the fact that you can’t trick someone into getting into an elevator that has all the buttons pushed and forcing said person to stop at every floor. Know what I mean? Whatever, it’s all awesome.
MTR/Subway: The people who commute to work via public transportation (myself excluded) are coo coo for cocoa puffs (see the last blog post for a definition). Road rage has its rival. People run…leaving the train. For what? Do they really want to get to work that bad? It’s like a horse race and when the doors open, they’re off. Once they clear the stairs, they walk normally as if they didn’t just have a few wires loose. I could go on about this but I think ya’ll get the point
Clothes: You know why clothes are so cheap here? It’s because everything you eat can permanently stain your clothes. I’ve lost one shirt. Good thing it was just a generic blue work shirt. I thought I lost another one (that I recently purchased) but just like Mariano Rivera, I made the save.
Shaving: I suck at shaving. Mostly I have issues with my sideburns. Anyways… my new place doesn’t have a mirror in front of my sink, it has one in the shower. My first and only time shaving under these conditions resulted in cut…on my thumb. Don’t ask.
People Watching: I love people watching. One day I was waiting to meet some friends for a drink so, naturally, I started to people watch. I saw these two people. They looked like coworkers. They looked like they just got off work. They may have been drunk. They started to mess around some but stopped before a friend returned. I wonder what their story was. My friend shows up and says we should grab a drink (originally we were going to just get dinner). It turns out he knew the people I was people watching. I had a semi-serious conversation with the girl before she told me she had to take the pickle out of her drink because she didn’t like it in her mouth (there was a pickle or cucumber in her drink). She said it so seriously and then I was like, “Did you really just say that?” The other dude? He was trashed and kept buying me and my friends (yeah, more friends showed up) drinks. When he left for a minute, some other dude ordered two rounds on his card. At some point my friend and I saw those dudes in an argument, so we decided to…uhh…disappear. Haha. We attempted to say bye first but they didn’t hear us. We randomly bumped into one of the dudes later but he was still smashed, so it was all good.
Theory of Relativity: I’m not sure if the following quotes are legit but they were online (Urban Dictionary), so it works for me:
"Put your hand on a hot stove for two seconds and it seems like two hours. Sit with a beautiful girl for two hours and it seems like two minutes. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
"When a girl says she needs two minutes to get ready, that's the same thing as when a guy says there's two minutes left in the football game. That's relativity." - Johnny Damon
I was on the mtr one day and this girl with massive tatties (Thanks Aziz) sat down next to me. She was more than happy to show em off. I saw em and that’s it. There wasn’t much I could because she sat down next to me and it’s not like I was going to do anything (or was I?). So, all I could was look around (everywhere but there). This one dude gets on the train and stands right in front of us. This dude shouldn’t play poker because while I did everything in my power not to look at them, all he did was look at them. Now, why did I bring up relativity? Well, the girls here, relatively speaking, lack those kinds of curves. Now this girl would have still done well, relatively speaking, in the U.S. too. She makes Anne Volz (aka Captain Cleave) look like an A cup (haha). Anyways, the dude was tripping. He was sweating buckets as if he just ate buffalo wings. If he’s jones’n so badly he should just go to Wan Chai.
Self Disclosure: Do people self disclose too much or not enough? Well, I’ve met a few people who have no qualms about what they share (and I ain’t saying it’s a good thing or a bad thing…I’m just saying…)
Case 1 – Drinks at a bar
Person 1: Is that my drink?
Person 2: No, I’m drinking diet
Person 1: It looks like cranberry
Me (to Person 2): Well, you’d be able to taste the difference
Person 1: Well, I’m stoned, so it al tastes the same to me
Me: Oh, that’s awesome.
Case 2 – Drinks at a friend’s apartment (on the rooftop)
Me (talking to someone I just met and had been talking to for bit): What’s that?
New Girl: It’s a box for my cigars
Me: You smoke cigars? (I was puzzled. Plenty of people smoke cigarettes recreationally but cigars? Also, I think of smoking cigars as a guy thing. I can’t think of any women I know who smoke cigars…for any reason… we’ll leave the dirty jokes and Uncle Koolaid out of this for now… [and please don’t ask me about my Uncle Koolaid…])
New Girl: Yeah. I only smoke cigars…and pot
New Girl: I have a drug test for work. Good think my dealer isn’t in town, because I would have gotten some coke.
We went on to discuss the drug test. We discussed ways she might be able to pass the test. I wonder how it went.
Later on that night…
Me: I need to hit the ATM before we go to DI
New Girl: I can loan you some money
Me: Do I have to pay you back in cash? (This can be interpreted in a # of ways)
Flirting: Person 1 (see above) told me that when locals tell you to take care, take rest, or to dress warmly that it’s a form of flirting. I don’t buy it but if it’s true, I have a lot of guys and girls of all ages flirting with me on a daily basis.
Random: I went to this secret bar with some friends. The bar doesn’t even have a name. This one guy knew about it and took us there. It was hidden within the wet markets. Pizza Hut is considered fine dining; I think once upon a time it was fine dining in the U.S., too. One time I walked up these stairs to get to a road but it dead ended at a wall; so, I hopped the wall. I measured a piece of paper in my office and it wasn’t 8.5X11 like it should have been. You guys ever see that bit with Jimmy Fallon and JT rapping? Well, one rap they do is Missy Elliot. It was stuck in my head; so, when Manu (PST) asked me what time it was in HK I wrote: “Is it worth it, let me work it, you take your time add four hours and, reverse it.” I thought it was funny. I think he did too.
Holiday Party: Karaoke + Buffet + Alcohol = Good Times. I was the designated walker/thinker, so I didn’t drink too much. Plus, it was a school night (work night). As well documented, I’ve lost weight this year but at least two of my coworkers were surprised with how much food I was able to consume. I guess I’m American after all. This one Senior VP is a Jewish dude from Staten Island (and one of the two coworkers mentioned above). He’s lived in HK for a while now. He can speak…and sing perfect Cantonese. He can even read a bit. Amazing. The party even included Johnny Walker but I passed; there’s no way I would have “kept walking” had I started pounding Johnny (wait, that doesn’t sound right… I could add to this joke but I won’t). I did get the hot hand in a dice game against one of my coworkers but I was the one who kept sipping beer win or lose and that’s not how it’s suppose to work.
Trips: I’m going to Vietnam today.
2010 Awards: I thought about handing out 2010 Awards. You know…nominations…winners…etc. F--k it.
Lastly: This one dude that I’m cool with at work was sick. Before leaving the office, he put his hand out. I shook it knowing damn well he was sick and that I wouldn’t get to immediately wash my hands. Thanks to my impressive mind over matter skills, I didn’t get sick. I haven’t had a poll in a while, so my new poll wonders what ya’ll would do in the same situation.
Happy Holidays and New Year!
Game…Blouses…
